Self-Worth and Why Being Seen at Work Feels Uncomfortable

By Natacha Montemuino, MD  ·  3 minute read  ·  Issue #7

“Growing up in my family, excellence was the only option,” says Renée as she picks up her miso cod temaki, carefully balancing it between her chopsticks as she pops it into her mouth. Renée is an old college roommate who made a special trip out to northern New Jersey last weekend to visit and reminisce about our undergrad days over sushi.

“But even when I got straight As, I felt like I wasn’t good enough,” she adds. There’s a sadness in her tone as she shares this, and I can’t help but draw a parallel between her experience as a child and her current situation.

The questions I asked her

Renée recently transitioned from a 15-year career in academia to a highly visible corporate director role in a rapidly growing healthcare startup. Like most of the leaders I coach, she is a bright high achiever focused on consistently delivering excellent results. Although she is stretched in her new role and faces many challenges, she is receiving recognition for her strong performance.

In spite of this, Renée shares, “I just don’t believe I’m good enough.”

I ask her if she ever experienced anything similar during her childhood.

“Oh yes,” she responds, looking down at her hands. “My parents expected us to get straight As. But we were never praised for our hard work.”

“How did that make you feel?” I ask her gently.

She slowly looks up at me and responds, “like I didn’t work hard enough.”

And there it is. Renée got the grades, but she was never told her work was enough, so she created a story. The story became a belief that she was not enough.

What sits underneath

In the last edition of this newsletter, I shared that before you can choose and build your speaker identity, you have to identify the roadblocks that keep you from expressing yourself freely. How you present yourself to the world, how much space you take up in meetings and at networking events have everything to do with your self-worth and your self-confidence.

Let’s start by defining both terms.

Self-worth is the belief that as a human, you have value, are enough, and are worthy of love and belonging exactly as you are. It doesn’t fluctuate based on your achievements or on what anyone says about you. Like the roots of a tree extending into the soil underneath, your self-worth is your foundation.

Self-confidence is the belief in your ability to accomplish what you set out to do, even when that means learning new skills. Like the leaves that bloom or fall depending on the season, it changes with your performance, your mood, and external validation.

I think of self-confidence as what you show people on the outside, and self-worth as how you feel about yourself on the inside.

The pattern

Despite deep expertise and years of experience, many of the quiet high-achieving leaders I coach have high self-confidence and low self-worth.

Like Renée, they build self-confidence with courage and determination by quickly acquiring new skills. But the problem is that many are simultaneously holding on to unhelpful childhood stories about themselves. These stories are the roadblocks that make visibility feel hard.

Speaking in front of others and visibility are inextricably linked to self-worth. How much you value yourself determines how comfortable you feel being seen by others, which is why building high-stakes communication skills starts with doing the inner work.

Where this leaves us

This is the least glamorous part of public speaking, and almost nobody talks about it. In order to feel comfortable with visibility, you have to accept and love yourself exactly as you are. But most people are doing the opposite without realizing how harmful it is. They say things like “I hate the way I look in pictures.” Or they say, “I hate watching videos of myself.” I hear different versions of these statements all the time from clients, friends, and family members.

Renée earned the straight As. She earned the director role. Neither one changed what she believes about herself.

In the next edition of this newsletter, I’ll walk you through two simple and powerful tools to reframe your unhelpful self-critical thoughts and build your self-worth.

What’s the story you’re still carrying about whether you’re good enough?

Reply and tell me. I read every response, and I love hearing from you.

See you in two weeks.

Dr. Natacha

PS. I’m putting together a free live training for quiet high-achieving leaders. I’ll share the full details on September 9.